Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive- compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co- dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic- depressive, it doesn't matter which you press since no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic press 96969696969696969
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, social security number and your mothers maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9
If you have short term memory loss, press 9
If you have short term memory loss, press 9
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low esteem. Please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.
