APOLOGIES - WAFFLE AHEAD _ WARNING - WAFFLE AHEAD....
I have kids - 2 girls they are my little diamonds and they mean more to me than anything and the bond gets stronger as time
goes on.
My first child - my daughter Jessica was planned, I was only 20 yrs old at the time but i was in love and I was so deep in love
that it was right at the time and the thing that swayed it was when we had a near miss a few weeks b4 and my ex got told
she was pregnant by the doctor which i had to go through that gruelling ordeal of telling everyone of my family and hers (at
17) that we was expecting a baby at the tender age of 20 (that didn't go down well i tell ya) But after I got my head round the
ordeal of that and realigning my future we was told that she wasn't actually pregnant - it was a mistake and she wasn't
pregnant at all. - Imagine after all that upheaval in my head and getting to grips with it - the feeling I was left with was that
of losing a child.
This messup in my head made me crave for a child deep down - My head was already thinkin of makin plans for the child
that wasn't even there. And I think I can speak for my ex aswell - we thought fuck it we really want this to happen - lets go
for it. So we did and it happened and we was FCUKIN HAPPY DAYZ.
But my friends - anyone who has come out of a relationship may share this belief with me...The first year of living with that
person is the MAKE OR BREAK year. Unfortunately for me it was break year - neither of us was feelin it - we had grown up a
lot and changed. Maybe it was because we was young maybe it was because we did not have the intimacy anymore
because the child took priority away from the affection that was there between us before she was born.
The next few years was up and down to foooook - my ex got with someone who i hated (a "reformed" smack head who I
never trusted) he settled down with my ex and had a baby I always said to her my fears and she ignored me. anyways i feell
like im rambling on a bit now but to cut a lifelong story short - He got back on smack and I picked up the pieces and
eventually goit back with my ex missus and tried to give it a go because a) I cared about her and b) I wanted the best for my
kid. c) I couldn't see the other child suffer
This situatoin led to me becoming close with my ex's other child and as the weeks went by i found myself stopping over
more and more because i was buzzing so much off being in that family atmosphere and feeling at peace with everythin.
This feeling wore away soon unfortunately and I found myself back in the position in the relationship with my ex, as I was in
first time round. Which I kicked myself for I though I could fix things but fundamentally It was always gonna be broke that
relationship.
So we broke up again. But by that time I had formed a bond with her other child that would never be broken and to this day
that is the reason why I have 2 kids instead of one. Little Danielle is a little angel to me and always will be for ever. She
calls me Daddy and im more than happy with that.
Since the time whan me and my ex split up i have always been about for my daughters through good times and bad. But if i
am brutally honest I think i went through a bit of a wayward patch where im not happy with the way my priorities were. I
was too buzy raving n dealing with my own shit that i think to some extent i was a bit neglectful of my responsibilities on
occasions.
But speaking now - instead of being a slave to the vibe as I was in that period - Im now more inclined to want to be with my
cherubz more that wanting to be out and about with my mates.
And just to try n explain summat - here goes -
"The love you have for your kids will be the strongest feeling in your life ever and if you deny yourselves of that you deny
yourselves of the strongest love goin."
But if you dont need it and you have got your love anyway and that is magical aswell - basically im being a soppy arse can
you tell or what. I blame Jim Beam me lol
But Im glad Ive had the chance to spill me guts to yas and that. Its been emotional.
Anyway heres a piccie of me and th'kids - weekend just gone.
(25) & we've talked about startin a family in a couple of years
