FAR TOO GOOD TO BE IN HUMOUR
CORUSCANT -- Presiding over a memorial service commemorating the
victims of the attack on the Death Star, the Emperor declared that
while recent victories over the Rebel Alliance were "encouraging, the
War on Terror is not over yet."
"We will continue to fight these terrorists, and the rogue
governments who harbor them, until the universe is safe, once and for
all, and the security of the Neo-New Cosmik Order ensured."
It was one year ago today that the Death Star, perhaps the greatest
symbol of the Empire's might, was destroyed in an attack by fanatic
Rebels, who used small, single-person crafts to infiltrate seemingly
impenetrable defenses. Thousands of mourners were on hand to remember
and pay tribute to the victims and their families.
"We lost our innocence that day," reflected one mourner. "I guess we
thought we were immune from the kind of violence that happens in
other galaxies. We were wrong."
"I lost hundreds of buddies that day," said one teary-eyed
Stormtrooper. "Guys whose only crime was trying make the Universe a
safer place."
Although the day was colored by sadness, the mourners found some
relief in the news of a decisive victory over the Rebels.
In an attack led by Darth Vader, Empire forces were able to rout
hundreds of Rebels from a network of caves underneath the surface of
the planet Hoth. "We're not sure we got them all," says a Vader
spokesman. "There are a lot of places to hide in those caves. But
we've delivered a powerful blow to the terrorist's infrastructure,
that's for sure. Today, the Empire has struck back."
Initial reports are unclear as to the fate of Luke Skywalker, a hero
among the Rebels, who is rumored to have delivered the fatal blow to
the Death Star. Skywalker, a former desert-dweller from the planet
Tattooine, became a part of the Rebellion after family members were
killed. Skywalker was trained by a militant wing of the Rebels, known
as "Jedi Knights." Fanatical in their religious beliefs, the Jedi
Knights claim to derive their power from the mystical "Force."
It's believed that Skywalker was specifically trained by infamous
terrorist O bin Wankanobi. Wankanobi, occasionally called "Ben" and
easily recognized by his bearded visage and long, flowing robes,
achieved near-martyr status among the Rebels after his death last
year during a spy mission. His more fervent followers believe that
Wankanobi lives on within them today, some even claiming to hear his
voice during times of duress.
The attack on the Death Star came shortly after the Empire's
destruction of Alderstaan, a planet whose government was known to
harbor terrorists. Responding to criticism over the total
annihilation of the planet, Vader stated, "There is no middle ground
in the War on Terror. Those who harbor terrorists are terrorists
themselves. Alderaan was issued ample warning. The fight for
continuing Freedom is often burdened by terrible cost."
The cost of this war can still be seen today in the continuing
efforts to build a coalition government on Tattooine. Longstanding
animosities among the planets various ethnic groups, including the
Jawas, Tusken Raiders and scattered human settlers, have been an
impediment to the peace process. The Empire continues to maintain a
small peace keeping force until a provisional government is finally
in place.
Much of the difficulty in fighting the Rebel forces stems from their
lack of a central organizing structure. "They don't play by the
traditional rules of war," complained one spokesman. "They come in
all shapes and sizes, united only by their single-minded desire to
estroy the Empire before it destroys them."
The Emperor closed his comments today by stating that "the cowardly
attack on the Death Star left a deep scar on the Empire. However, we
will not stop fighting until every last evildoer has been brought to
justice." He paused for several moments, wiping away a tear and then
added with determination, "We will never forget."
"I wish we could all just get along," said one of the mourners. "But
it's hard to offer an olive branch to a cult of religious fanatics
whose main tool is violence and who insist on calling us the Dark
Side.'
CORUSCANT -- Presiding over a memorial service commemorating the
victims of the attack on the Death Star, the Emperor declared that
while recent victories over the Rebel Alliance were "encouraging, the
War on Terror is not over yet."
"We will continue to fight these terrorists, and the rogue
governments who harbor them, until the universe is safe, once and for
all, and the security of the Neo-New Cosmik Order ensured."
It was one year ago today that the Death Star, perhaps the greatest
symbol of the Empire's might, was destroyed in an attack by fanatic
Rebels, who used small, single-person crafts to infiltrate seemingly
impenetrable defenses. Thousands of mourners were on hand to remember
and pay tribute to the victims and their families.
"We lost our innocence that day," reflected one mourner. "I guess we
thought we were immune from the kind of violence that happens in
other galaxies. We were wrong."
"I lost hundreds of buddies that day," said one teary-eyed
Stormtrooper. "Guys whose only crime was trying make the Universe a
safer place."
Although the day was colored by sadness, the mourners found some
relief in the news of a decisive victory over the Rebels.
In an attack led by Darth Vader, Empire forces were able to rout
hundreds of Rebels from a network of caves underneath the surface of
the planet Hoth. "We're not sure we got them all," says a Vader
spokesman. "There are a lot of places to hide in those caves. But
we've delivered a powerful blow to the terrorist's infrastructure,
that's for sure. Today, the Empire has struck back."
Initial reports are unclear as to the fate of Luke Skywalker, a hero
among the Rebels, who is rumored to have delivered the fatal blow to
the Death Star. Skywalker, a former desert-dweller from the planet
Tattooine, became a part of the Rebellion after family members were
killed. Skywalker was trained by a militant wing of the Rebels, known
as "Jedi Knights." Fanatical in their religious beliefs, the Jedi
Knights claim to derive their power from the mystical "Force."
It's believed that Skywalker was specifically trained by infamous
terrorist O bin Wankanobi. Wankanobi, occasionally called "Ben" and
easily recognized by his bearded visage and long, flowing robes,
achieved near-martyr status among the Rebels after his death last
year during a spy mission. His more fervent followers believe that
Wankanobi lives on within them today, some even claiming to hear his
voice during times of duress.
The attack on the Death Star came shortly after the Empire's
destruction of Alderstaan, a planet whose government was known to
harbor terrorists. Responding to criticism over the total
annihilation of the planet, Vader stated, "There is no middle ground
in the War on Terror. Those who harbor terrorists are terrorists
themselves. Alderaan was issued ample warning. The fight for
continuing Freedom is often burdened by terrible cost."
The cost of this war can still be seen today in the continuing
efforts to build a coalition government on Tattooine. Longstanding
animosities among the planets various ethnic groups, including the
Jawas, Tusken Raiders and scattered human settlers, have been an
impediment to the peace process. The Empire continues to maintain a
small peace keeping force until a provisional government is finally
in place.
Much of the difficulty in fighting the Rebel forces stems from their
lack of a central organizing structure. "They don't play by the
traditional rules of war," complained one spokesman. "They come in
all shapes and sizes, united only by their single-minded desire to
estroy the Empire before it destroys them."
The Emperor closed his comments today by stating that "the cowardly
attack on the Death Star left a deep scar on the Empire. However, we
will not stop fighting until every last evildoer has been brought to
justice." He paused for several moments, wiping away a tear and then
added with determination, "We will never forget."
"I wish we could all just get along," said one of the mourners. "But
it's hard to offer an olive branch to a cult of religious fanatics
whose main tool is violence and who insist on calling us the Dark
Side.'
